IDENTITY CRISIS

The Turkish Council of Higher Education (YÖK) is responsible for the jump in Fulbright ETAs from 10 last year, to 54 this year. That incredible jump in numbers does not come without difficulty in logistics. We are spread out over this country –in some places that are very remote –in some universities that are extremely new. What it really is that we are supposed to be doing here is for some of us, unknown. It would seem that the communication between this YÖK entity and the actual universities is somewhat lacking.

It is the beginning of my second week here at Bozok University and I am still just as lost as I was a week ago upon arrival. I know my role as language teacher –I have been one of those for the past 2 years. I am, however, a little uncomfortable with a few new roles that I have been assigned.

As a native English speaker, the expectations here are that I will just produce courses to teach what keeps being called “Academic English.” I have emailed profs back in the States back and forth to juggle what this may mean and basically I have come up with the most simple of solutions: It’s just not possible. For these professors and grad students who think they can just jump into a course of specific academic words without the basic skill of communication in English, I have bad news. It was my former Turkish prof. at U of I who pointed out that students cannot go to step 10 without having steps 1-9. I agree, and from what I have seen, most of them are on about step number 3.

Suddenly my role has shifted from language teacher to curriculum developer and skills assessor. I agree that assessment is part of the role of a teacher, but to assess an entire University! Please.

While being assigned the daunting and intimidating task of creating courses, another role has been assigned to me here that I am even more uncomfortable with. It wasn’t because someone decided that this is what I would do or be, but it is just what it is: I am a foreigner!

For the past 11 years I have been very comfortable with being the “not-foreigner” whether in my community of friends in the States or in the German speaking communities in Germany and Austria. Since I started speaking German rather fluently towards the end of my stay in Germany during high school, I have left the markers of being the foreigner behind.

Now, in Turkey, I am again the foreigner. It is a little interesting how, and for me the most frustrating reason why, I am viewed as a foreigner. At first glance I don’t seem too foreign here. My “look” is not unlike the Turkish “look” especially since there are many different faces here. It helps that I have dark features and dark hair, though.

My sunglasses give me away sometimes because, at least in Yozgat, they are not really a part of the local style. I simply cannot see without them –especially with my sensitivity to migraines. My clothes are pretty slim-fitting and that is the style. I have been seen walking with my computer bag a lot which does not seem the style. Fashion and physical characteristics aside, the one thing that identifies me as foreign, immediately is my linguistic inability. For someone who has spent several years learning languages, dropping into the middle of nowhere without being able to properly communicate is extremely frustrating.

So now I am both the language learner and teacher. I knew this would be the case and even became excited about the challenge. I just wish both roles would be better defined so I could adjust to my new life here better. It doesn’t help that I do not yet have a local ID and spent the day trying to receive my working contract from the university’s business office in Yozgat. It appears there is a problem with their paperwork and my ID is actually incorrect. So we will wait for a few days and try it all over again. I am not entirely sure what all that means, but that is just how it works here.

On a similar, yet more Turkish ID crisis:

Most of you are aware that Turkey is NOT an Arabic country and is NOT an Islamic Republic. However, in case you forgot, Turkey has been a secularized country since their great leader, Atatürk revolutionized the country in the early 20^th century. What this means is that religion and state are supposedly extremely separate. This university is a state university and that has implications for the female students who choose to wear a headscarf . . . they are not allowed in the buildings.

I am very religious-neutral and don’t subscribe to any faith, but I got this really ugly feeling in me when I witnessed the girls taking their headscarves off right inside the building doors. I was watching as these girls, who identify, at least somewhat with their headscarves, lost a piece of their identity. I had not thought of it before, but while watching them take out the pins and remove the scarves, I almost felt guilty for having witnessed the act –as if they were taking off their tops or something. I don't really think one way or the other about passing a girl who is covered or a girl who is not, but when watching them have to give up a bit of their identity upon entering the buildings, I feel uneasy and even a little angered. The overwhelming majority of Turks claim Islam as their religion but, like most Americans, do not practice or only do so on certain occasions. Making these women remove their headscarves seems backwards -in fact it is exactly what Germany is working towards. Right now, in some German states, public employees are not allowed to wear headscarves... a controversial and growing concern. Why be faced with discrimination in your own country!?

I am now a little more culturally sensitive to the issue.

Last night, the topic actually came up in conversation when I was talking with some of my friends here. Both my friends and I lack the vocabulary in each other’s language to have a real intelligent conversation about the issue. I felt really bad, especially since I had such a weird feeling about it. “Weird feeling” does not translate very well with my current Turkish (in)abilities.

My final discussion about identity crisis comes from a personal problem. What do I say when the guys around tease me about finding a Yozgat bride to take back to America? It hasn’t come up often, but today it did. I was in the HR office today waiting for the issue with my paperwork to be dealt with. That was enough time for the two guys in the office, one 25 the other 28, to ask if I were married or if I were “flirting.” Once I had stopped laughing over their synonym for dating, I informed them that I was single and not flirting with anyone.

Although it is a part of who I am, I often forget that being 'sensitive' is a part of my identity. I had to work through some hard times as it became part of my identity (that ugly coming out process) and now, many years later, it is a non-issue for me –unless I am put in situations like these. AND as good of an actor as I am, I am so NOT convincing when it comes to girl talk … or talk about girls, whatever! They asked me if I liked Cameron Diaz and the only thing I could think of was her in Charlie’s Angels and then “didn’t she date Justin Timberlake?!” So I just nodded and said something subject changing. Awkward moments of identity crisis! I might have to do some photoshoping and create an ex-girlfriend! All these guys keep requesting my friendship on facebook. Dear god what if they see me jumping on a trampoline in a wedding dress and U of I hat!